day dreaming: not enough nightmares to make fairy tales fly

the conversations in my mind are catching a grip on me. and i feel my heart beat faster as they continue on. no source of this addiction ecours but i stumble as i tremble on these thoughts being abused. theres no say of what makes sense of all of this. the bigger fish eats the little fish to survive. so i find myself dealing with these pleasures. this doesnt bother me really, ive been living with a ghost inside my head ever since i could remember. every morning begins the same way that it has ended. but the nights get a little rougher with every thought that comes across. in the afternoons i find myself day dreaming about the way this world works. and how i could make it different or better to benefit myself. still it ends where i replay it. im wishing it could be a fairy tale instead of a nightmare. even though the air gets tighter and harder to breathe. i enlist myself as the thought of existence. this never really was meant for me. no thoughts and no dreams. no happy endings. these words that were put in my head. refuse to come out. but i enjoy these pleasures of this earth as i watch myself burn and turn to ashes. remembering that i never could last a second. so second guess this, my life is a wandering pasture. if the moon wont crash into us. something will someday. if the world doesnt crash itself something will someday. something needs to crash these ghosts in my head so i can dream of fairy tales again. all ive ever wanted for myself was a field of gold and green trees. instead its all ashes and rust. im hoping every blood i have that falls out of me will water this earth back to life. but im not dying yet. so i struggle to survive another day. hiding would just be avoiding the inevitable truth. that i am never really going to live.